Chapter 11 : The Wish

Chapter 11 : The Wish

Ruby

The police have not contacted him yet.  They are collating information first.  They have statements to collect from two important people.  One is Super Ex, and the other is Jackie.  Super Ex can confirm that this is by no means a story that I have plucked out of the air during this visit, and also testify to the effect it has had on my life and our relationship.  Jackie was my closest friend when I was in the RAF.  She was the person that convinced me to confront him 20 years ago, and looked after my baby son when I made a long call to him from her house.  I told him how he had affected me up to that point, thinking at the time that it couldn't actually get any worse.

Chapter 10 : Police Day...

Ruby

Yesterday was a difficult day; it was my interview with the police.  I haven’t slept in almost 4 months with the anxiety of this trip.  The most difficult part being telling my parents, and then the next most difficult was going into detail about the abuse with the police.  People have been kind over the years, and I’ve not needed to give out the intimate details.  People have been happy with the amount of information that I have been happy to share.  Even a small amount of detail gave a big explanation in to some of my behavior or moods.

Chapter 9 : The Terrible Deed Part II

Ruby

I caught up with him, but for someone who is supposedly almost crippled, he had managed to get ahead enough that I had to step up my pace quite a bit.  I’m not sure why, but I started the conversation with the words; ‘I’m sorry’.

“I’m sorry, but I had to tell them, I hope you understand”

Chapter 8 : The Terrible Deed

Chapter 8 : The Terrible Deed

Ruby

“It’s not your fault” she repeated over and over whilst she held me tightly.  She held me close, she smoothed my hair, she let me cry and didn't shush me once.

Chapter 7 : The Damage Done

Ruby

I only started smoking initially because of Twat Face.  This was a terrible decision that I made as a child based on extremely flawed logic.  My mum and dad both hate smoking.  Nice young ladies don’t smoke, it looks common.  I didn’t want to be a nice young lady; I knew what happened to them!! So, my adolescent logic told me that if my father disapproved, then other men his age would too, and then they would stay away.

Chapter 6 : The journey Home

Ruby

As strong as I am feeling, there is no stopping the tears.  I have to hold it together for one more day, but then, if I don’t tell them, I will be destroyed.  I could not imagine going back to face my friends, when they have given me unconditional support and prepared me for this ordeal over the previous few months.  They are all routing for me, have been consistently supportive, and not one of them has wavered.  I have to do this for them as much as me.

Chapter 5 : Five More Sleeps.. (I wish)

Ruby

My nights are the worse times.  The closer I get to going home, the less sleep I seem to be able to get.  Every night, I lay thinking about the changes that are to come.  I feel actual fear, after everyone else in the house settles down for the evening, and I am alone, the anxiety builds up.  It feels physical, and my body starts to ache with tension.  My head feels too full and overactive, I play over and over, every single scenario, some leave me weeping until my tummy hurts, my nerves get more frayed until I am unable to hold a cup of coffee without shaking and spilling it.

Chapter 4 : First Things First

Ruby

I had a bit of a break down recently.  For over twenty years I have lived and managed Clinical Depression.  I know the signs, and over the years I have learnt to ask myself the right questions, and trust the doctor. If you build a good relationship with your doctor, you can manage depression successfully.

Chapter 3 : So It Begins...

Ruby

Apparently, life begins at 40.  I’m running late by 2 years, but; do you know what? I am now bloody well ready!

I’m ready to find out who I am without being ‘defined’ by my secret that is about to come out and blow apart the world of the ones I've endeavored to protect, but I also feel responsible for the fall out that is inevitable.

Chapter 1 : I am Ruby

Ruby

I am Ruby. I am a 41 year old woman who is about to restart her life.  

My story is one filled with pain, sadness, loneliness, abuse and depression, but also one of love, support, humour, friends, forgiveness, and justice and healing. This is a story about moving on from historic child abuse.  Many cases have come to light in the last couple of years, thanks to the efforts of the police whilst dealing with Operation Yewtree, and several other big cases relating to child sex abuse cases that happened many years ago.

My life and my journey to recovery are now.  How I arrived at this point has many turns and tales, but my future is unknown.