Welcome to my blog. I document my adventures in travel, style, and food. Hope you have a nice stay!
All by Ruby
How is this fair!! At the moment, he knows more about what is happening than me. He was in court with his lawyer; he was told what was going on. I received a call the victim crisis team, after the event explaining that it had been postponed, but they didn’t know why.
‘How contrasting’, I thought, to the day that Twat Face was experiencing. From what I have heard, they have now informed their children, (the children are in their fifties, and they didn’t tell them until after Christmas as they didn’t want to spoil it… bless) and they had the humiliating prospect of standing in court. They will have been dreading this as long as I have been willing it to come. They will want it behind them as much as me, but for very different reasons I should think. I want to begin a new life, a happy life without ‘The Shadow’, my dark secret that follows me everywhere, even across the seas.
Hobbies are important to your well being. It is important to take some time out to do something that you enjoy. Do something that is for you, and not for someone else. Whatever it is, if you enjoy it, do it. It gives you purpose and a reason; it can be therapeutic, distracting and satisfying. The first I have is photography, something that I can’t believe took me so long to find, and the second is knitting, which I found years before I thought I would.
If someone were to mention that ‘Sophie’s Choice’ was on, she would declare her disinterest, stating that she had lived it, so didn’t need to watch it. I never understood her reluctance until this trip.
We spent a day visiting the concentration camps of Auschwitz, and Auschwitz, Birkenau. If you haven’t been, I highly recommend it. It’s certainly not Disney Land, it isn’t happy, there are no birds singing, but it reminds you of the cruelty that humans are capable of.
Is it wrong to feel excited about feeling sad? I’m not sure, but people who have suffered with depression may understand what I mean when I talk about the inability to feel for a long time. The empty feeling, the heaviness due to not feeling anything is just as painful as ‘real’ pain.
When we looked at the date, it confirmed my worst fears. I was wrong, but so was he. The details were all correct. I had gone to a new form class, but what I hadn’t remembered was the ‘me’ before this took place. The class I was in when I went to big school. Instead, I remembered the new class after I had taken my options. It did all feel new, but I had missed out the first 2 years of school as it was remarkably uneventful.
The community are shattered by this; you have destroyed the trust of so many people. You have spent the years trading pleasantries with my parents, despite me asking you many years ago to not speak to them. You didn’t deserve people so good in your life, and they didn’t deserve the person that made it so difficult for me to be in theirs.
This left me feeling extremely sensitive, not being able to shout it from the rooftops, the elation was stifled and suppressed and that has filled me with emotion that I don’t know what to do with. What if something goes wrong? What if they can’t get the final pieces of evidence that they require? What if??????
The less I do, the less I want to do, the less I want to do, the less I do. I feel like my brain is slowly stopping, and I can’t do anything about it. When depression comes, every time, there is a steady decline in the ability to conceive of doing anything that requires physical or mental assertion.
Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It is the fear of failure, but no motivation or urge to be productive. It is wanting your friends around you, but hating socialising. It is wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It is caring about everything, and then caring about nothing. It is feeling everything at once, and then feeling paralysingly numb.
Dear Bill,
Not that I suppose you care, but how about you humor me for a moment. There may be something here that you could use in your act; I have been called funny in the past. Many of those times, I have been admittedly rather mean, so people just think that I am joking, but for your purpose, I don’t suppose it makes any difference how you get your laughs, similarly, you it doesn’t seem to matter to you how your actions have affected other people, or do you really just not care?
48 hours was all it took. Jack Bower has some serious competition with Jackie. I’m not saying that she is over it, of course not, but she dealt with it in her head, and got to the position that it ‘was what it was’, it couldn’t be changed, therefore, the only course of action was to deal with it, move on, make sure that the children were ok, and pull herself together. It was amazing to watch, and I felt so privileged to have a friend that was so strong. I did try to tell her, but it reduced me to tears, and does now as I write this.
I have been lucky to not just meet many people that have brought me laughs, been good company, been the source of unlimited entertainment, and sometimes lovers, but in each, I have met just one or two people that have continued my journey with me, and become my ‘No Good for a Kidney Family’. Not that anyone of them would have a problem giving me a kidney if I needed one – that’s the amount of faith and love there is, but there is; a) probably not a genetically good match, and b) My kidneys are about the only part of me that I have no issues with at all, so I shouldn’t need one. I should maybe be a little concerned that some of them have not quite looked after their kidneys quite as well as me, and may well require one from me at some point if they aren’t careful…
I was wrong! In part 2, I suggested that going to the doctors may not be as helpful as it could be due to the time I would need to go through everything with the doctor, who as my temporary doctor, may not have the same level of concern for me as she may if I were a long term patient. How wrong I was, and how pleasantly surprised as well.
What if the CPS decides not to prosecute Twat Face? How will I feel? I can't imagine that they won't due to his confession to part of the charges, but there is also a chance that due to his age, and ill health, that they will chose not to as there is no guarantee that he will live to the end of a trial, and there is no chance that he could survive jail. If they don't, then that is it. I will have gone through this for nothing, knowing that I left it too long. The worry that he could get away with this, or worse, due to them not prosecuting, people could wrongly believe that there was no case! That would be devastating to both me and my family. It could look like I was lying, and even though my first question would be 'why would she lie?', maybe other people would just jump to conclusions and assume that if there is no charge, there is no crime. Living with knowing that I left it too long would really be quite a heavy burden.
My feelings on the inside were slightly more confused. I wasn’t really sure how I felt to be honest. There was a small part of me that felt guilty that the stress of the situation had caused this. This was a ball that I had decided to start rolling, and if this was the consequence, would his family blame me for bringing it up? I also felt angry.
When people talk to me, if my brain is in a busy state, I can’t take in what they are saying, I can’t cope with any anger, hyper behavior, loud shrill voices, people talking over each other, loud noises or discord, without anxiety building, my ability to focus on any one point being debilitated, and my patients seem to titter on the edge of me screaming for everyone to stop.
I honestly thought mum had gone mad. There is no way that someone with children, someone that loves you would say something so cruel to someone in the painful position that my mum had found herself in. No way would someone take this, as an opportunity to point out that she would have been a better mother!
He admitted that he did something wrong. He admitted that he was a paedophile – despite not admitting it to himself. Blaming an eleven year old girl proves to me that he doesn’t believe what he did was wrong. All the things that he has said to me over the years, the apologies, the fact that I was his cross to bear etc… it was all a load of crap really. I take a little joy from this fact though, for as long as he feels like this, the treatment from others, the loss of his community and church support will hurt even more, and that will be his cross to bear.
